woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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