WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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