Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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