I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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