you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
