it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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