I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
