I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
