do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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