Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
