Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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