Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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