apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
