After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
