he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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