Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
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He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize