I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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