THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Come share oat with me in your robe
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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