now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
