These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
