oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
