Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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