He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
