Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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