All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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