she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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