Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
