So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
