I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
