The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
