I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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