Your mouth is God's brothel.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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