So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
