Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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