omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
