fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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