I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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