Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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