why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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