OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
