I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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