I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
