So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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