The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
