Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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