well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
