I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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