I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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