Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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