Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
