my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
