I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
