well I can't set my house on fire every night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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