Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
